Tuesday, December 04, 2007
It is now nearing the end of the year, and the start of a new year. Thinking back, this year has really flew by rather quickly. First half of the year i practically wasted my time dreaming away, not attending school all, and now the second half of the year i'm trying to catch up in a race like i'm hopping on a leg. I just feel like i've not grown at all, in terms of maturity and being more sensible. Honestly, i am dissappointed in myself.
In what ways have i changed? - None. In what ways have i not changed? - I'm still smoking; though i'm trying to strive hard in school, i'm still skipping lessons once in a while; I commit sins you can never think of; I am still revolving around the word "I" (Self - Centered). Sometimes i ask myself why haven't i changed? Most of the time i get the reply "Why should i change?".
Yes, why should i change? I am happy the way i am now. My circle of friends are increasing, though many of them couldn't really be regarded as friends because they come and look for you in need, and disappears when there's fun, and some of them are just what we always say "Hi - Bye" friends. I have enough money to spend, enough for me to carry on living luxurious and most importantly, i am me. I am the way i am suppose to be, i don't change because of anyone, to look good in front of people and entice them to like me or whatsoever. I have always lived abide these rules of my own. And if you did realise, what i've said so far are all revolving around myself, like what yy said, i am self centered.
There are nights when i just sit by the window, over a cuppa vodka or chivas or simply beer, enjoying my puffs and looking up into the sky. Then, i started thinking about the people around me, those who take advantage of me being nice, and those who sincerly care for me and showers me with everending love. I asked myself, what have i done in return for these people? To those who favour me, have i repaid them? To those who detests me, have i taken my revenge? No, not at all.
It is by those rules that i have set for myself, to experience everything i can in life; to be who i am and not change for the sake of others; and always be truthful and not follow the footsteps of this hypocritical world. However, when think about those around me, it makes me ponder: Me being happy, or making people around me happy, is more important? I'm not referring to friends or the public, i am talking about my parents and my grandmother. Every parent wants their child to live a life heads up high, they want them to make a mark in history and strive a successful path in life. They have so many expections, which technically i feel that i SHOULD follow. I cannot deny the fact that everything i have now belongs to them, were given by them, and were made possible by them, right? But then again, if i heed every of their request, and be who they want me to be, rather than me being myself, how would things turn out to be?
So you see the dilema i'm in now. I am portraying myself to be as nice as i can, not to be like how i used to be - Violent and vulgar. But people take it as i am gay. It's ok though, not really hurting cause they don't really make it seem like an attack to me, more of just making fun out of me, i am fine with it. But how will things turn out to be if i change myself to fit into society, to make everyone around me like me? Would i lose my sense of identity? Or would i acquire a new sense of identity? These are things which i will never want to experiment.
After saying all these, nothing is going to change. I will still be me, and i will still behave the way i am. I just want to write all these so that one day in future, should i ever regret living by those rules that i set for myself, i can look back at today's post and say "It is my fault, entirely mine, and no one else to blame".
Life isn't about just passing each day, staying happy and enjoying every single moment. It is more of finding a meaning to it. Some choose the way of religion, people like me will just think about it and never do a thing about it. The hardest person to understand is yourself, that is what i feel.
- 11:43:00 PM;
